So my sister told me the other day that I should stop focussing on poetry and more on simple articles. Articles that speak out my thoughts. She also told me to stop writing because Im down and start writing “happy things.” Well, Stephie, this is for you! Nevertheless, I still have to complete my poetry series Letters to my lover. ( I am a little stuck btw)
So today, something popped up in my mind. It was actually not the first time but with my 20th birthday seriously approaching, the thought hit me big. I got to thinking, “Do we ever become numb to feelings?” I mean, is it possible for one to simply stop feeling truly? You are probably asking yourself where this is coming from. Well, call me weird. In fact, someone just called me “weird” about an hour ago! (too bad wordpress doesn’t support emojis! Or does it?)
I remember when I was younger, I felt deeply. I felt truly. I actually cared and loved regardless of whether it was reciprocated or not. And I miss that person. That boy that was real to life. Real with life. I think our “realness” is strongly affected by our experiences over time. I once talked about getting used to bad things to the point where it sort of really stops affecting you. And if that is true, then is there a point in our lives where its possible to emotionally be numb?
Feelings are normally attributed to weakness and for that matter, I am the weakest person you may ever come across. But over time, I have been getting stronger. And now its threatening me. I am actually scared. Is there any such thing as “too strong”? And does that then define being numb? Or is it the other way round? Is being emotionally numb being too strong? I think the world has destroyed my being. I think my circumstances have changed the inner me over the years. Maybe for the better! Maybe for worse! I don’t know! But one thing is for sure, I am real scared. Scared that I lost myself. And that the new me is incapable of being real. Of being true. The hypocrite I have become, you have no idea. I will laugh, I will smile, I will drink (hell yeah I will drink!!), I will talk, I will do anything! But in actual sense, Its all not real. It’s the person I want the world to see. The little boy that was me hides somewhere deep inside. Scared and convinced that history does repeat itself.
So maybe getting numb does exist after all. But it’s the definition of it that stands out for me. I think the little scared boy hiding somewhere deep inside is what we call being numb. Does he ever come out? I honestly don’t know! Does he want to come out? Hell yeah!!! Why then doesn’t he simply come out? Well to answer that, you may have to read my previous blog post. I addressed the issue of getting in cycle of negative happenings. It is so bad that sometimes, I am very sure of the big “NO” I will get after asking. And the little boy has seen all that! So after every disappointment, he only goes back to hide in a deeper spot. I don’t even know whether my analogy makes sense. Anyways, I think that is what has happened to me over the years and I think that is what I am calling getting “numb.”
So how did I get to this point? Maybe I was too real to the wrong people. Maybe I was real in an unreal world. Or maybe I am simply different. I don’t know! Maybe something is just off about me and I am unaware! The point is, I slowly and unknowingly let the world break me. It broke me to a point where the precious little boy inside can´t come out anymore. And he does want to come out. But its ugly out there. And as I talk right now, maybe I am beyond repair. And that is what scares me even more. With my 20th birthday approaching, I am in panic. I am panicking about almost everything. I don’t know what the future holds, all I know is that I am scared of what I am slowly becoming. Unreal, untrue, a hypocrite and numb.
And that’s where the importance of caring comes in. I got to this point because people who didn’t care broke me and made me this way. I think it’s important that we never let ourselves get to this point. A point where one feels incapable of feeling and even if they did, scared that the world still wont care. It comes down to each and everyone of us. There is that common saying that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. That step in this context is simply caring. Caring about how others feel. In the same way change begins with one person. Take that Swedish girl, Greta for example! She started her campaign alone, seated along the street, and one by one the rest followed. Today she is a global climate sensation. We should never let the one next to us get to a point where they feel numb. And we can only do that by caring. By spreading love.
I´ve been trying to figure out how to end this post all along in vain. So amma just say PEACE OUT.